{don't overthink it}

I'm determined to get back to my creative passions this year - writing and painting. I've really missed the regular practice these past couple of years.

There's a bunch of good reasons as to why I haven't done much of it but I also know that part of the absence has been due to not prioritising creative pursuits and not being disciplined about putting my energy into them. And then the less you do of creative things the less confident you feel about doing them, and suddenly you're in a downward spiral and it's really hard to get back to it. The excuses and self-doubt take over, the walls go up and before you know it you're not creating at all. It's not the first time I've been in the spiral but somehow this time I'm more aware that getting out is about discipline and determination, and giving myself a little bit of a push.

I'm trying not to overthink things too much. Trying not to wait for the perfect time, the perfect blog post, the inspiration to hit, the moon and starts to align in some particular way. Instead I'm just going to work on showing up, until it starts to come naturally again.

Have a nice weekend peeps. I plan to do some painting. What have you got on?

{feeling real}

"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When {someone} loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but really loves you, then you become Real."

"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.

"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real, you don't mind being hurt."

"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"

"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out, and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things, don't matter at all, because once you are Real, you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

                                                       

                                                               The Velveteen Rabbit

                                                                   Margery Williams

{moving through grief}

Yesterday morning I was thinking how nice it was that I was finally getting to a point where I can remember BigCat without the overwhelming pain and feelings of loss that have consumed me since we said goodbye.

Then last night without any warning I cried and cried because I miss him so much and it hurts so much to be without him.

That's how it's been these last few months. Some days I'm ok, most days I'm not. Most days I cry at some point in the day. Every day I miss him more than I thought possible. And every now and then there's a moment of peace, where it doesn't feel achingly sad.

That's how grief goes hey? There's no controlling it and there's no quick way out. It's a journey, a process of healing that happens in it's own time and it's own way. And you've just got to live with it.

{the decision}

First came the decision. To reclaim my life. To accept that while things might continue to happen to me, things I don't like, didn't ask for and don't deserve, that in spite of this, or perhaps because of it, I'm determined to get back the pieces of my life that have been missing for so long. That even though the crap might keep on happening I do have a choice about where I focus my energy. And where I want to focus my energy is on the things that are going to move me forward in life, not keep me stuck in the shit-storm.

• Things like painting, making and blogging - I want to be doing lots more of those good things again.
• Healthy stuff - riding my bike, cooking, sleeping well, working on personal goals.
• Getting out of the house more. It feels like I've been cooped up for so long.
• Hanging out with friends and creative peeps - I've recently returned to the Northern Craft Bonanza {NCB}, which I founded in 2009, after a very long hiatus.
• Making plans for the future - it's felt impossible to do anything but put one foot in front of the other for most of the last 12 months.
• Remembering/relearning how to be a dreamer again. When you're living in a shit-storm you forget how to dream. Having hope starts to feel too risky.

And then once I'd made the decision, almost immediately something shifted. I'm of course wondering if by changing my attitude everything feels different, but there really does seem to have been some subtle environmental shift. The clould that's been hanging over my life for so long seems to have moved ever so slightly. Things feel easier, I've been enjoying moments of synchronicity and interesting little messages from the universe.

I don't know if life is going to settle down. I hope so. But it certainly feels like something, somehow has shifted. And that, my friends, is a damn good thing.

{when life just aint blog worthy}

I've been thinking a bit lately about why I'm finding it so hard to make the return to blogging that I really want to make.

Along with some of the more mundane challenges, like being time poor and feeling like I've lost my community, what I realised, is that for a long time it has felt like my life just hasn't made for appropriate sharing.

There's things that I just don't feel belong in the public arena and I'm conscious of how vulnerable we can make ourselves when we put it all out there.

On one hand I really admire and respect people who share their struggles, with the idea of breaking down barriers and speaking the unspeakable, and to some degree my blogging has always delved in these realms. But I also feel that there are pieces of our lives that belong in private spaces and there can be a fine line between sharing our struggles and airing our dirty laundry.

My life has been frickin' hard work for the last 15 months. The amount of shit that has happened to Ms L and I borders on the unbelievable, to the point that it has become somewhat of a laughing point with friends {in the vein of you've gotta laugh or else you'll cry}.

I've found it increasingly difficult to be in this space and to find a way to share my story without creating that icky, uncomfortable feeling that you get when you're reading something that feels more like a personal journal than a public one.

Alongside that, I've felt angry and bitter about all the crap that's been happening. And maybe somehow a little bit ashamed, like somehow I've brought all this bad luck on myself and if only I was more positive, or was able to practice gratitude or some other new age zen technique then perhaps I could turn the shit-storm I've been living into the foundation for something wonderful to happen.

And angry, bitter and ashamed do not a good blogger make!

I realised at last that this is what's been really holding me back. The exhaustion, the ill health, the constant struggles have all taken their toll, but more than anything life just hasn't made for good blogging.

Fingers crossed that a cool change is in the wind!

{courage}

The lovely Kat McNally is hosting a reflective writing challenge called April Moon over the next fortnight, in honour of this glorious blood moon. As well as needing something to get the creative juices flowing I've had this really strong sense of April being the start of something for me. I feel an ending and a beginning taking place.

Here's a few things that came to mind when I considered the word courage today:

• Loving {peeps and fur peeps} in spite of the risks, the loss and the grief.
• Standing up to bullies and fighting an unfair dismissal from my former employer. Leaving a legacy for the treatment of other staff.
• Revisiting the past.
• Forgiving, myself and others.
• Stopping smoking for the umpteenth time {2 days free today}.
• Deciding to be ambitious this year.
• Getting up, and up again, no matter how many times I get knocked down.
• Choosing happy, choosing dreams, choosing to follow my bliss.

You can grab all the details on how to join in, and the gorgeous blog button, over here. Hope to see you there.

{emerging}

Slowly but surely I am coming back to some kind of equilibrium. It's been a hard slog these past few weeks. A lot of tears and a lot of pain, and the deepest sense of loss. I miss my boy so much. I don't feel like life will ever be the same. And I guess it probably won't. But I'm sure time will work its healing magic.

Life is finally starting to settle down again. The new house is unpacked and starting to feel like home. Some dramas with our former landlord have now been resolved, in our favour too.

Generally I think we are over the humps of the last 12 months with the potential for a period of smooth sailing. I hope so.

Enjoy the weekend peeps. I'll be back with some {sunday snippets} as I have a fabulous weekend planned.

{i thought i knew grief}

Having experienced considerable grief throughout my life I thought that I was well prepared for saying goodbye to Holden. But nothing in my life to date has prepared me for how I’ve been feeling since we said goodbye.

There is a quiet, dull, aching emptiness in my soul that won’t be soothed. It seems driven by the absence of Holden’s actual physical presence in my life. I’m amazed at how tangible it feels.  And I think made so much worse by the fact that we’ve just moved house and there are no memories of him in our new and unfamiliar space.

I have so much compassion for people who have lost a close loved one, like my Aunt who recently lost her partner of 25 years. I can’t even imagine what that absence feels like and how she makes her way through her days. Or people who lose a child. How do they ever move forward with their lives? It takes so much courage and strength to live with grief.

On some level I thought that because we made a conscious decision to end his life {and his suffering} that it would be easier. But in truth the decision has tormented me. In the depths of my grief it has felt like something I have brought on myself and something that I desperately want to be able to undo. My mind has played terrible tricks on me with questions about how sick he really was and whether the timing was right. The hard truth is that he was dying, perhaps slowly, but inevitably. Another truth is that he was suffering, how much we don’t really know. And surely another truth is that we did the most humane thing.

I know that I don’t need to question myself, and I’m not doing it on purpose. It’s just part of the impact that making this decision has had on me.

Mostly though I’m just incredibly sad.

I dreamt of my sweet boy a couple of nights ago. It was such a relief and a comfort to see him. In fact, it was probably the first point at which I started to feel somewhat OK. Before that it felt like he had just completely disappeared from my life, which was causing me so much pain. At least in dreams we can still hang out together every now and then. And who is to say whether the substance of dreams are imagined or really about finding each other in some other realm.

To live the rest of my days without him in my life is simply too much to bear.

{vehicle:circles}

It was like simply wanting to give up at last,

the saying fifty times a day, not quite to yourself,

"I'm tired, so tired of this, of everything",

until you'd forgotten somehow what you were tired of,

and realised, unavailingly, hopelessly,

that saying it meant something else, to you, to life,

something closer to the "Help me! Please!" you used to

want to cry out, aloud, again, to no one,

for no reason,

for simply being there, here, baffled

by these quantities of need and groundless sorrow...

How could you have gone past that,

only to arrive at this,

this about which there is nothing whatsoever you can feel

except the certainty of knowing that you're doing what you're doing to yourself,

but why?

And if you pass this, what will that have meant,

what will it have cost to accomplish this undoing?

                                                                 C.K.Williams

{life goes on}

As hard as it feels, it's true. As much as I've wanted time to stand still, to sit with my grief, to take time to remember and honour my boy's memory.

In spite of all that, time kept going. We moved house. I went back to work. I unpacked boxes, made lunches and dinners, did washing.

And part of me knows that this is a good thing. That I need to keep moving, even though the urge to lie very, very still seems so compelling.

One foot in front of the other. Life goes on. Yes it does.

{farewell little lion man}

BigCat

aka Holden, H, The Studio Assistant, My Beautiful Boy

11.9.1996 ~ 5.3.2014

You captured my heart and soul little man, and you have both forever. You are one of the greatest joys of my life and my best friend . I will miss you more than any words can ever express.

Rest in peace sweet soul.

*****

I'll be back in a while. We're moving to our new house on Friday and without internet for a week or so.

But I will be back soon.

{intentions and aspirations}

Another Time, Another Place

Acrylics and mixed-media on canvas

14 x 14 inch

When it comes to setting goals I'm not one of those people that plans things out in minute detail with measurable outcomes and timelines and all that jazz. I've never, ever had a 5 year plan!

Over time I've found a way that works for me - a part dreamer, part planner kind of approach if you will. I know that the evidence says that you have to be more concrete than this otherwise you won't achieve things or won't know what you've achieved. And it's probably why there's a number of things that I've been wanting to achieve for a long time now that I haven't. On the other hand there's things that I've put out there that were just giant dreams and they have come to fruition. Like I said, it works for me.

This year though I've found it impossible to put my mind to setting any goals at all. I think it has a lot to do with last year and all the craziness. If there's one thing that last year taught me it's that life is so completely unpredictable. You can make all the goals and plans in the world, but if the universe has a different plan for you, well watch out and hang on as best you can.

It feels really strange to be without something more tangible than some good intentions and aspirations. I almost feel a bit lost without my list. But I think I'm going to sit with it for while and see what happens this year. I'll keep you posted.

Happy weekend peeps.

{goodbye 2013, and good riddance}

I know it's almost March, but wrapping up the year past has always been one of my blogging rituals. And in many ways I feel like I'm just putting 2013 to bed and stepping into 2014. But first to 2013...

2013 was a fucker of a year, there's just no other way of saying it. A friend said to me a little while back, think of all the great stuff that happened. It's true, there was some great stuff, or certainly a lot of new stuff - a new job, a new house, a new car, new lungs for CurlyPops - but the circumstances in which much of it arrived felt overwhelming, unplanned and out of control. And there was enormous loss, stress, anxiety, overwhelm, burnout, fear and at the end of the year the greatest blow of all.

I'm not sure how to put it all into any kind of succinct order or flow, so perhaps I'll just map it out month by month.

January

• Returned to work full-time after relinquishing my dream of being a full-time artist. It took months, maybe all year, to process that decision, to grieve for what might have been, to understand the why of it all and to make peace. In the end I'm so happy that I let go of making art into a business. It just wasn't my path.
• Started my new job.

February

• Cam got her new lungs. This was, has been, still is one of the most amazing things that I have ever been a part of. Watching Cam take that journey, being alongside it, has been an honour and a privilege. I'm so incredibly proud of what she's achieved in the 12 months since her transplant, the strength and courage that she has shown, the way that she has grabbed her new life with everything she's got.
• At the same time it was incredibly hard and scary to watch her go through the early parts of the recovery, and to watch her deal with the emotional and physical challenges that were part and parcel of having a major life changing and saving surgery. I was only 3 weeks into my new job when she got the call, trying to find my way in a new and chaotic environment, trying to establish myself. All I really wanted was to be there for her, but my job demanded everything of me, absolutely everything. I gave what I could, but it wasn't as much as I wanted to and I regret that I wasn't able to be the friend that I wanted to be. 

 

March/April

• By the beginning of March I was working 50-60 hour weeks every week just trying to stay on top of the demands of my new job. I was doing the work of 2+ people and trying my absolute hardest to keep on top of it all. It was exhausting and unsustainable, but I'd made a commitment, and the messages I was getting was that it was a reasonable expectation and what was required if I was to prove my worth.
• BigCat had another health scare. It turned out to be a continued problem with his thyroid. Reality is his health is declining and age is taking its toll. As I write this today his kidneys are starting to wear and he's gone completely blind. He's happy and we're fully committed to ensuring that his quality of life is never compromised, no matter how much we never want to say goodbye to him. But his time with us is drawing to a close. He's in the end stages of his life, whenever that final moment may come.
• BigCat also peed on my computer and fried the mother board.
• Just as we started thinking that things were settling down a call from the real estate agent to see if we would like to renew our lease for another 2 years turned into the owner deciding that she wanted to sell up and into us looking for a new place to live. It felt like horrible timing and even though we ultimately embraced it as an opportunity, and found a lovely new place to live, it was emotionally, financially and physically taxing.

 

 

May

• I celebrated my birthday. Ms L organised a surprise party for me and it was absolutely lovely.
• Towards the end of May, again just when it seemed like things were finally, finally settling down (for realz this time), Ms L was hit by a car riding her bike home from work. She spent the rest of the year recovering. While her injuries were reasonably minor (thank God), she had extensive and ongoing pain that lasted for 6 months, a massive exacerbation of her chronic fatigue, shock and post traumatic stress, loads of time off work, a shitload of medical stuff to deal with, loads of isolation and a massive knock to her overall sense of safety in the world.
• While Ms L was going through all that I was drowning at work. Between us we were like the walking dead. We had nothing in the tank and nothing to offer each other. The next 6 months would become the darkest times in our 13 years together.

 

June

• Our car died. Forever! We'd been talking about replacing it early in 2014 when finances permitted. But the universe decided June. So we got a lovely brand spanking, safe, comfortable new Toyota.
• I said goodbye to blogging. That post cracks me up when I read it now "There is so much goodness happening in my life at the moment and things are falling into place in the best possible way.  I am exactly where I want and need to be". I don't know what drugs I was on when I wrote that. At the time I thought that I was where I needed to be. There was good stuff amidst the shit and it seemed like things were finally starting to settle down. Being the philosophical and optimistic soul that I am I was trusting that it was all falling into place.
• Work was manic. It was one of my two busiest times of the year and I worked myself into exhaustion. I believed so firmly in the cause I was working for that I justified it to myself. And if it had been the exception rather than the rule it probably would have been OK to work like that sometimes. But it wasn't the exception and no matter what I gave it was never enough.
• I went on a wonderful, soul-enriching painting retreat and weekend away with two of my favourite peeps. There was magic in that weekend. Beautiful lessons about what it means to truly connect with friends, to lean on them, to let them see you in your moments of vulnerability.
• I had a weekend in Radelaide and the Clare Valley with another of my favourite people. Again, true friendship, heartful conversation, great food and wine. 

July

• I crashed and burned. I spent most of July off work sick. It started with a pretty big health scare, a whole lot of tests, an almost middle of the night trip to emergency, a week in bed and was followed by a bout of flu-like something that saw me spend almost another 2 weeks in bed. 
• The pressure at work didn't ease and in the midst of being the sickest I've been in years I had to keep doing the work of 2+ people.  

 

August

• My gorgeous foster sister lost her mother after a long battle with illness. I didn't even go to the funeral because it would have been too hard to get the time away from work. Another regret, another decision based on the unreasonable expectations being placed on me, another moment of choosing work over everything else.

 

September

• I had an exhibition. I don't know how on earth I managed to pull that off, but I did, and I am extremely proud of 'Spring Will Come Again'.
• Ms L and I had a glorious holiday in The Grampians. It was 8 days of pure indulgence, including a much anticipated visit to The Royal Mail Hotel for an incredible dining experience.
• I passed my probationary review at work. After slogging it out for 8 months I finally got to have some sense of having made it. Even then though the message I got was you have to give more, more, more. You have to prove yourself. You have to show us that you are worthy. Oh, if I could go back in time to that moment. What I would do differently!

 

 

October

• We celebrated Ms L's birthday with a beautiful picnic by the creek, surrounded by family and friends. I spoiled her rotten with special gifts, her favourite cupcakes and everything else I could think of.
• We learned that circumstances had changed for the owner of our house and what had been bought as a long-term investment property was now to become her family home. The real estate agent notified us that we would have to be out in February, after only 10 months in the house. Thanks to being well-educated and resourceful people we were able to ascertain our rights and to let the real estate agent know that we would move out at the end of our lease in April, not in February. 

November

• I finally went to the physio to see about that niggling pain in my foot that had been hanging around since July. Spent the rest of the month on crutches and a couple of months rehabing it. But I'm all healed now. I couldn't help but see the connection between having a problem in the sole of my foot and feeling like my soul was so completely out of balance.
• My Uncle died, sitting in the sun in his backyard one beautiful November afternoon.
• After months and months, and months, of relentless stress Ms L and I nearly called it quits. Reducing this to a sentence or two seems ludicrous, but there are no words for what we went through, and it's too private for the blog anyway. And we made it through the woods, happier and stronger than ever, or at least we are well on the way.

 

 

December 

• I ran the most successful fundraising campaign that my workplace had ever had. Like 6 times more successful than anything previous.
• 2 days before Christmas, without any notice or warning, I lost my job. I was thanked for my service and asked to leave that day. There is not a lot I can or want to say about this. There was no justifiable reason for it. I didn't do anything wrong. In fact I gave my heart and soul, at the expense of everything else in my life, to the job and to the people we served. At the end of the day it wasn't enough. At the end of the day, no matter what I did, gave or invested, it was never enough and for some reason it was never going to be. So, I left that day. I wasn't able to tidy up anything, notify anyone, say goodbye to most of my colleagues or have any sense of closure. I was there and then I wasn't. And after 2 months of reflecting, processing and debriefing I am so fucking glad.
• We had a wonderful Christmas with my family.
• For the first time in 13 years we had Christmas with Ms L's family. There's been long-standing issues in her family about our relationship and for the first time ever these were fully put aside and we all sat down to Christmas lunch together. It was joyous and fun, and the best Christmas gift ever.
• We saw the new year out with this lovely lady and her partner. I was so completely exhausted that I would have been better off going to bed at 8.30pm. But I had to see 2013 out. I couldn't have it any other way.

 

I've spent the last 8 weeks since leaving work taking stock of absolutely everything. I have examined my life with a magnifying glass. I have processed, reflected, written copiously in my journal, considered, and thankfully made sense of things, well many things, and as much sense as I can. Somehow losing my job became an incredible catalyst for growth and personal development, kindness and self-love. An opportunity for renewal. I have emerged from this time feeling stronger, happier and more balanced than I have in the last 18 months.

My plan was to start blogging on 1st January and to kick the year off with this post.  I see now that it has taken this two months to be able to put it all into words.

As is the way of things, today is the perfect day to write this post. I start a new job tomorrow. We applied for a new house yesterday and were approved {we move in 2 weeks}. It feels like a lot happening all at once {as always} but somehow I just know that it's going to be a little less crazy, a little less topsy-turvy. It's going to be a great year.

So for the last time 2013, goodbye and good fucking riddance!

{all in}

I realised that if I'm going to get back to blogging, I'm going to have to be diligent about it. The thing is when you stop blogging, it's hard to get yourself going again. I still think like a blogger (you know how that goes - constantly thinking up blog posts in your head}, in fact I never stopped thinking like one, but the steps between thinking and action become rusty, the need dissipates and before you know it you're wondering what's the point of it anyway. I think it was Kate's recent post that really helped me get my act together and get started again.

I know that the road back from thinking to action is going to mean making a commitment to blogging. It's like anything really. So I'm going to push myself a little to get here regularly and reform the habit. I'm going to tell my inner critic to get stuffed when it comes to quality, content, grammar. For now at least.

Thanks for the warm welcome back peeps. It's so nice to be here.

And yesterday marked 6 years since I started my first blog. Perfect timing hey?

{so long, and thanks for all the fish}

It's time to say farewell.  At least for a while, if not for good.

When I chose the word change as my word for this year I really had no idea that it was such a forecast of things to come.  My life has been turned upside down and inside out with all the changes over the past 6 months.  There have been times where I wondered what on earth I had brought upon myself by inviting change into my life.

But the truth is that I'm completely ok with it. There is so much goodness happening in my life at the moment and things are falling into place in the best possible way.  I am exactly where I want and need to be.

I'll miss you guys.  It's been a blast keeping this patch of the interwebs warm for the last 5 or so years.  I've met so many great peeps and had a wealth of amazing experiences, dreams come true and adventures.

So long, and thanks for all the fish.

*****

Claiming my blog in bloglovin just in case I'm back sometime.

{where do i start}

After being somewhat absent from this space for so long it's hard to know how to find my rhythm again.  Blogging and momentum definitely go hand in hand.

But I'm here.  Really here.  For the first time in what feels like a long, long, long time.  Twelve months long I think.

Now it's just a matter of finding my voice again.

{the other side}

I've arrived! 

On the other side of a few weeks with no internet connection.

On the other side of our move.

And somehow feeling like I'm on the other side of a whole lot of other 'stuff'.

Feeling...

... solid and grounded.  That's how I'm feeling.  And yet somehow free.

{wandering alone down memory lane}

I am knee deep in moving.  Packing {and unpacking} my life, piece by piece, box by box.  Sifting through possessions and memories. The past, present and future. Remembering, wondering, laughing, aching.  Moving is so emotional.  I can't do it purely as a logistical act.  There's always the journey through memory, the reflection, the taking stock of my life to date.  It's cathartic, but it's hard too.

Through a series of good luck and good planning the move is probably going to be the smoothest I've ever had.  Finding our gorgeous new place happened so easily and it's the most perfect place for us.  Birds and space, trees and light.  The non-negotiables.  I'm excited to establish myself in a new home, new routines, new opportunities.  I'm ready.

Three days and we'll be on our way.  Until then I'll be here, sifting and sorting through the days of my life.

{somehow, if only, because}

i'm wishing there was a way to take all the blog posts that i write in my head {usually as i'm riding to and from work} and somehow transfer them to this space

if only i could do it without physically having to sit down at the computer

because then you'd know all about how things are with me

you'd know that we are moving house because the owner has decided to sell our place

and you'd also know that we think we have found the perfect place to live

and that it all happened/is happening with such ease that Ms L and i have had to work quite hard to trust it can be so simple

you'd also know that my new job is going really, really well

i am settling in, getting to know things and people, and enjoying it

i am learning a lot about myself and how i handle new situations, vulnerability and feeling inadequate and uncertain

i am learning that i can be different to how i've been before

i am learning that hard work is really rewarding

i am learning that i'm really good at what i do

you'd know all the thoughts i've been having about my journey over the last 4 years

about how i see now how much i accomplished in that time

and how i see now how much i wore myself out

and how i never ever want to do that to myself again

even though i don't think there was any other way it could have happened

and you'd also know about bits of baking 

and cooking adventures 

and how i laugh that i chose change as my word for this year

and how amazing it is to be part of Cam's journey at the moment

and a feeling that the year is really just getting started

and a vision board that feels full of hope and optimism

and how i still can't decide if i want to be a blogger anymore

and so many other random and frivolous thoughts 

and a few meaningful ones too

and, and, and ...

{decision number one}

i want to have a rich creative life, and that includes having a blog.  along with painting and other creative pursuits.  i'm not sure when i'll have the time or space for any of it, but deciding that i still want it feels like an important first step.  trusting that it will all fall into place feels like the second.