{moving through grief}

Yesterday morning I was thinking how nice it was that I was finally getting to a point where I can remember BigCat without the overwhelming pain and feelings of loss that have consumed me since we said goodbye.

Then last night without any warning I cried and cried because I miss him so much and it hurts so much to be without him.

That's how it's been these last few months. Some days I'm ok, most days I'm not. Most days I cry at some point in the day. Every day I miss him more than I thought possible. And every now and then there's a moment of peace, where it doesn't feel achingly sad.

That's how grief goes hey? There's no controlling it and there's no quick way out. It's a journey, a process of healing that happens in it's own time and it's own way. And you've just got to live with it.

{emerging}

Slowly but surely I am coming back to some kind of equilibrium. It's been a hard slog these past few weeks. A lot of tears and a lot of pain, and the deepest sense of loss. I miss my boy so much. I don't feel like life will ever be the same. And I guess it probably won't. But I'm sure time will work its healing magic.

Life is finally starting to settle down again. The new house is unpacked and starting to feel like home. Some dramas with our former landlord have now been resolved, in our favour too.

Generally I think we are over the humps of the last 12 months with the potential for a period of smooth sailing. I hope so.

Enjoy the weekend peeps. I'll be back with some {sunday snippets} as I have a fabulous weekend planned.

{i thought i knew grief}

Having experienced considerable grief throughout my life I thought that I was well prepared for saying goodbye to Holden. But nothing in my life to date has prepared me for how I’ve been feeling since we said goodbye.

There is a quiet, dull, aching emptiness in my soul that won’t be soothed. It seems driven by the absence of Holden’s actual physical presence in my life. I’m amazed at how tangible it feels.  And I think made so much worse by the fact that we’ve just moved house and there are no memories of him in our new and unfamiliar space.

I have so much compassion for people who have lost a close loved one, like my Aunt who recently lost her partner of 25 years. I can’t even imagine what that absence feels like and how she makes her way through her days. Or people who lose a child. How do they ever move forward with their lives? It takes so much courage and strength to live with grief.

On some level I thought that because we made a conscious decision to end his life {and his suffering} that it would be easier. But in truth the decision has tormented me. In the depths of my grief it has felt like something I have brought on myself and something that I desperately want to be able to undo. My mind has played terrible tricks on me with questions about how sick he really was and whether the timing was right. The hard truth is that he was dying, perhaps slowly, but inevitably. Another truth is that he was suffering, how much we don’t really know. And surely another truth is that we did the most humane thing.

I know that I don’t need to question myself, and I’m not doing it on purpose. It’s just part of the impact that making this decision has had on me.

Mostly though I’m just incredibly sad.

I dreamt of my sweet boy a couple of nights ago. It was such a relief and a comfort to see him. In fact, it was probably the first point at which I started to feel somewhat OK. Before that it felt like he had just completely disappeared from my life, which was causing me so much pain. At least in dreams we can still hang out together every now and then. And who is to say whether the substance of dreams are imagined or really about finding each other in some other realm.

To live the rest of my days without him in my life is simply too much to bear.

{vehicle:circles}

It was like simply wanting to give up at last,

the saying fifty times a day, not quite to yourself,

"I'm tired, so tired of this, of everything",

until you'd forgotten somehow what you were tired of,

and realised, unavailingly, hopelessly,

that saying it meant something else, to you, to life,

something closer to the "Help me! Please!" you used to

want to cry out, aloud, again, to no one,

for no reason,

for simply being there, here, baffled

by these quantities of need and groundless sorrow...

How could you have gone past that,

only to arrive at this,

this about which there is nothing whatsoever you can feel

except the certainty of knowing that you're doing what you're doing to yourself,

but why?

And if you pass this, what will that have meant,

what will it have cost to accomplish this undoing?

                                                                 C.K.Williams

{life goes on}

As hard as it feels, it's true. As much as I've wanted time to stand still, to sit with my grief, to take time to remember and honour my boy's memory.

In spite of all that, time kept going. We moved house. I went back to work. I unpacked boxes, made lunches and dinners, did washing.

And part of me knows that this is a good thing. That I need to keep moving, even though the urge to lie very, very still seems so compelling.

One foot in front of the other. Life goes on. Yes it does.

{farewell little lion man}

BigCat

aka Holden, H, The Studio Assistant, My Beautiful Boy

11.9.1996 ~ 5.3.2014

You captured my heart and soul little man, and you have both forever. You are one of the greatest joys of my life and my best friend . I will miss you more than any words can ever express.

Rest in peace sweet soul.

*****

I'll be back in a while. We're moving to our new house on Friday and without internet for a week or so.

But I will be back soon.

{yay}

My beautiful boy, my bestest buddy is OK.  He has an overactive thyroid and will need daily treatement for the rest of his life, but he is just fine.  No scary terminal illnesses and no impossible or unaffordable treatment regimes.  Yay!

Speaking of best buds, I wrote a little something about friendship over at I Saw You Dancing today.  I've learned so much about friendship this year, both good and hard lessons.  But this recent discovery is definitely a good lesson.  Yay!

Can you believe another Blogtoberfest finishes tomorrow?  I have so enjoyed taking this year off.  I think it's given me just the break I needed to rejuvenate my passion and enthusiasm for it next year.  Yay!

Hope your world is full of yays today!

{poor BigCat}

The vet came for the home visit today, but because BigCat turns into a feral animal when anywhere in the vicinity of a vet they couldn't examine him here, and had to take him back to the clinic.

He's had a small anesthetic, some poking and prodding, a few tests {and his overgrown nails trimmed as a bonus} and we'll have some results tomorrow.  The vet thinks it might be his thyroid, which would explain things, and apparently is easily treated.  That would be great news.

But we'll wait for tomorrow before we fully breathe out.

Meanwhile BigCat is feeling a little shaky and exhausted after all the 'excitement'.  I'm showering him with cuddles, treats and even letting him spend some time on the computer, which he loves to do!!! {and which caused some delay in updating you on his news}.

 

Thanks to all who have been sending good wishes and thoughts.  I really appreciate it.

{keep 'em crossed}

The vet had to postpone our appointment today due to an emergency.  So keep those paws crossed till Monday.  

Thanks for the good wishes peeps.  I'll keep you posted.

{today is the day}

The vet is coming to visit this afternoon.  We'll see what's going on with BigCat's health.  Cross all your paws for us won't you please?

{the life of a cat}

I wonder what he's thinking about?

{and so i knit}

and sleep, and rest, and hang out with BigCat, and wait to get better.

{the dreaded lurgy strikes again}

It totally snuck up on me this time.  I was absolutely fine on Friday and then Saturday I woke up with a head full of fog.  And that's pretty much how things have remained since.  After the massive roller coaster of the last few weeks I guess it's no great surprise.

Luckily I'm totally addicted to my knitting at the moment.

I'm going to lay low and knit for a few days.  See you soon.

{wednesday already?}

So yesterday was Tuesday but I thought it was Monday.  I woke up today thinking it was Tuesday but around lunchtime I realised it was actually Wednesday.  And it's February no less.  Wow, is this year off to a flying start.  

The winner of the Lights Hunters giveaway is 74 Lime Lane.  Congrats Kellie.  I hope you enjoy it.  Huge thanks to Vivienne for the giveaway too.

Ok, back to the painting for me and the studio assistant.

*****

{and i love him so}

BigCat and I, snapped by Ms L

{besties - blogtoberfest day XII}

It was a rocky start years ago when we brought home the 6 week old Little Cat.  She was so tiny and timid.  We thought BigCat was going to tear her to pieces.  

I was completely smitten and in love from day 1 and I remember the anxious first weeks where we were terrified that we'd have to take her back.

Over the years they seem to have found an amicable life side by side.  I don't think either would ever admit it but I'm pretty sure they'd be lost without each other now.

{sunday snippets - blogtoberfest day IX}

There's definitely a pattern to Sundays/weekends around here

Are you joining me for {sunday snippets} this week?  Leave your link below.  If you're wondering what this {sunday snippets} business is about read this post.

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If you'd like to join blogtoberfest pop down here to read all about it and sign up.

I've now got two awesome giveaways coming up soon peeps.  You are so going to want to win them.

Stay tuned for tomorrow's post.  I'm going to talk a little about how to build your blog, how to keep your mojo and how not to feel like you're talking to the walls.

{we heart packages - blogtoberfest day VIII}

 

Thanks Monica.  Both BigCat and I very much loved receiving your package a little while back.  I never got around to showing you just how much.

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H from Stitcharooney came up with a very useful idea for Blogtoberfest.  She's put together a blog roll over here of all the Blogtoberfest participants to help keep up with all the happenings.  Thanks H, it's a great idea.  I'm off to visit some new blogs this afternoon.

How are you enjoying Blogtoberfest so far?

{sunday snippets}

My favourite boy is 15 years old today!  Happy Birthday BigCat.

An odd assortment today.  Life feels quite odd at the moment.

How about you?  Are you playing along this week?  Post your sunday snippets to your blog, link back to this post and leave your link in the comments {I got organised and signed up for a linky account but can't access my account today for some reason.  Let me not go into how I feel the world is conspiring against me at the moment. Blech!}.  

Share some of your world. I'd love to see what you've been up to.

{sunday snippets, a studio tour}

 

 

 

 

 

A special {sunday snippets} today.  A few people have been waiting to see my new studio.  I treated myself with the proceeds from my last exhibition.  I've been talking about updating my studio for 3 years.  I must thank Ms L and Louise Gale for giving me a good prod on making it happen.

The space feels so amazing.  It's bright and fresh.  It's comfy and colourful.  It's full of treasure and memories.  It's an expression of me.

Most importantly it's really functional.  It's a working space, which it hasn't been since we moved to the new house.

It's perfect.  I love it.  So does the studio assistant.  He spends most of his days up there on the windowsill.

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How was your weekend?  Did you capture it in pictures?  I'd love to see your {sunday snippets}.  Post some pictures on your blog, link back to this post, and leave your link in the comments here.  I promise a proper linky list next weekend!  Seriously, I promise!