{finding my way, part IV}

Beacon

Acrylics, collage and gel pens on board

6 x 12 inch

"The revelation is when you're going this way and then shit happens and then you're going that way, and for some reason this time you stop, you notice what was there all along, and because you notice", everything gets perfectly clear.

                                                                  In the City of Shy Hunters

                                                                                  Tom Spanbauer

It was a weekend of soul searching, of recognising patterns of behaviour that no longer serve me, of owning up to fears and insecurities and resistence, of reaffirming my resolve.  It was good, so very good.  At the end of it I didn't feel exhausted.  I felt energised and ready to face the world with renewed vigour and enthusiasm.

{wonderous, magical fridays}

There's one thing about my return to full time work that I'm absolutely loving.  The distinction between the week and the weekend, marked by the arrival of Fridays, is the most wonderful feeling.  Towards the end of last year my days had started to blur into each other and there was a sense of sameness about things that I wasn't enjoying at all.

Now every Friday brings the promise of a lack of routine and structure that, when balanced against the predictablity of my weekdays, feels so incredibly full of simultaneous possibility and freedom.

This weekend I've completely cleared the calendar and I've got two whole days of unplanned goodness stretching out before me.  Time in the studio, visit a farmer's market, lie around in my pj's reading all day, watch bad tv, cook?  Who knows?  Maybe all of it, maybe something different altogether.  I can't wait.

Of course, there's a little piece of me still wishing I was in California with my Artful Journey pals.

{this is now, that was then}

Twelve months ago today I was getting on a plane to embark on the greatest adventure.  I was heading to the USA for An Artful Journey.  It was a journey full of rest, freedom, soul restoration, paint, friendship and so much more.

Today all the friends I made at An Artful Journey last year are returning to that same magical place to take another journey together.  It's so very hard to know that I am the only one in the group not there.

In comparison, today I am working through one of the hardest transitions I've experienced in a really long time.  My return to full time work.  It feels difficult and exhausting, and I'm shocked by how hard it is.  I am grieving the loss of time and space that were constants in my days not so long ago.  I am battling with the constant presence of people in my days when just a month ago it was me and the fur peeps.  I am missing my quiet hours in the studio absorbed in painting.  I am wondering when this new phase is going to start feeling smoother.

And in amidst all this comparison I can't help but wonder where I'll be standing 12 months from now.  What will life look like then?  Or perhaps more importantly what do I want it to look like?

{reality is:}

Real-ing

Work in progress

Acrylics on canvas

8 x 10 inch

that my life feels so completely different to how it felt 5 weeks ago

that I absolutely looooove pay day

that there is little to no time for painting, blogging or the other things that make me really happy

that work, exercise and healthy eating are taking up almost every bit of time and energy that I have

that no matter how much I sleep I seem to be tired all the time

that I could not have imagined how hard the transition back to full time work was going to be

that I constantly feel self conscious and uncertain

that I know that I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be

that there are some big and exciting decisions I am in the process of making 

that there are glimpses of hope

reality is:
made of sharp edges and hard lines at the moment

kicking my ass

{three, two, one}

The Memory of the Trees

Collage, acrylics and textiles on canvas

16 x 16 inch

three years today since I began blogging.

two years today since Black Saturday, the worst bushfires in Victoria's history.

one year today since I started work on 'The Memory of the Trees' to commemorate Black Saturday.  It's been sitting in my studio all year, me working through various ideas about how to complete it.  Then just last week I realised it was finished. Suddenly, just like that, it's done.

{integrity}

Some of you will remember a post I did a little while back called {note to self} asking people to join me in writing a letter to yourself and sending it to me for safe keeping until I pop it back in the post to you later in the year.

Not long after that I heard about someone else doing the exact same activity, which had me wondering.  Don't worry, I hadn't suddenly started thinking that I'd invented letter writing, or even the idea of writing a letter to yourself.  I did however think that I was unique in suggesting to people that they should send their letters to me and that I'd post them back to them down the track.

Yesterday I was reading Kat's blog.  She posted about an assignment she did as part of a Mondo Beyondo Dream Lab where she sent a letter to herself off to Andrea Scher in October last year, and how it had arrived back in her mailbox yesterday.  So it turns out that here I was thinking that I'd had this original idea and it wasn't original at all.  I guess it just supports that theory of a greater creative consciousness that we're all tapping into in some way.

More importantly though, I was mortified to think that anyone might think that I had taken another persons idea {not to mention someone who I deeply respect and admire} and claimed it as my own.  Particularly given that there are people who read my blog who would have participated in the Dream Lab and done the assignment.  

Integrity and respect are two of the things that I value most deeply in this world and that I hold myself highly accountable to.  I'm also extremely passionate about ideas and their value.  Sure, like everyone, I take inspiration from the world around me.  From blogs, from people's stories, from art.  I know that it filters into my conscious and subconscious and shapes all of my work.  BUT I definitely know the difference between being influenced by something and simple theft.  AND I couldn't bare the thought of a single person thinking that I might be an ideas thief.

That said, I'll return to my blogging break {which is helping balance things immensely and giving me much needed time to settle into my new job} and I'll hope to see you soon.

{going to ground}

Where My Heart Is*

Acrylics on canvas

10 x 10 inch

Indications are that I am juggling too many balls, whilst balancing on one leg, whilst standing on a see-saw.  Something's gotta give.

I had been hoping that I could settle back into full time work, in a new job, and maintain all the other parts of my life as if nothing had changed.  Who was I kidding?

So without further ado I'm signing off for a week or two.  I'll be back soon peeps.

*************************************************

*The painting above is showing as part of the 2011 Linden Postcard Show, opening on Saturday 5th February 1 - 5pm, 26 Aclancd Street, St Kilda.

**I've also got work showing in the Red Brick Gallery and Emporium Group Show, and am looking forward to a trip to Ballarat this weekend to attend the opening. {opening night Friday 4th Feb 6 - 8pm, 218a Skipton Street, Ballarat}

***Lastly, I've donated some original work and prints to Chair 14 {former host of the Northern Craft Bonanza} for their upcoming fundraiser to support people affected by the floods in Victoria and QLD.  It's this Friday night 4th Feb from 4pm onwards and includes music, an art auction and other festivities.  Entry is $5.

****Speaking of the Northern Craft Bonanza, when I get a bit more settled I'll be getting it back up and running.  I'm aiming for a first get together sometime in February and a regularly fortnightly catch up from them.  It's also looking like we'll be changing to a Wednesday night.

*****That is all!