Work in progressIn between packing, organising, cooking up a storm for Ms L and taking care of the tin tacks, I've been thinking about painting. Thinking about how painting grounds me, and how I need grounding amidst all the emotion, the excitement, the busyness. So tonight I painted.
Last night I said the words I haven't wanted to say. "I don't want to go". I whispered them like a dirty little secret, feeling ungrateful, expecting someone to come and take the dream away just because I'd said the words I didn't want to say. They're not real, the words. Just an expression of the fear that resides deep inside me.
I am so small, so afraid, so broken when faced with the reality of my dreams coming true. And I hate it. I hate seeing myself weak and afraid. I hate that part of me would rather stay in my comfort zone than face growth, and newness, and being whole.
I am a snake shedding it's old skin. Saying goodbye to antiquated ideas of myself. This particular journey is so much a part of this.
I want to be able to live my dreams, to live a big life.
So that's where I'm at today. I am about to embark on the most incredible journey and I am afraid.
2 sleeps peeps, 2 sleeps.
I can relate to this Cathy and you will be scared and will feel again "you don't want to go" I whispered that once too and as soon as I got on the plane that fear all disappeared, it was just the getting to that point that was hard
ReplyDeleteHave a great time Cathy! It's so hard to face up to our dreams - you know the old saying that we are more afraid of success than failure? I think it's very true. It has taken me 15 long years to return to my art making and I feel scared stiff everytime I go into the studio. But each time you face something you move a bit further along. It's like we have to keep reminding ourselves that we only have this one life - as I told my niece on her 21st - jump in, make a mess, get dirty and have fun. That's what it's all about! Just getting on that plane is an achievement in itself. Enjoy! x
ReplyDeleteI am SO proud of you for allowing yourself to voice all your fears and see that you really do want to make this journey. As success builds upon success, you will learn, as my dear designer friend Phyllis once said to me:
ReplyDelete"You grow into it"
Now, she told me those words in the context of buying her home and all the responsibilities that go with that, but those words can be applied to any scenario - buying your first car on loan, buying a home, being made supervisor, marriage, becoming a parent, learning a new skill, becoming an ARTIST, joining a group of like-minded people, attending retreats or starting one, teaching a workshop, moving to a new city...as you can see, the list can be endless, but no matter what the circumstance - You will grow into it =-)
I can't wait to see you next week and tell you myself how proud I am that you are learning to step into this new version of yourself!
You are inspiring! I'm really proud and excited for you.
ReplyDeleteDropped by to wish you a really happy trip - I'm excited for you too :-)
ReplyDeleteThe fears? A natural part of it all; if it mattered to you less, you wouldn't fear it at all. Coming through that will just make it even more special xx
It's hard doing something really big ... part of it is wondering whether you'll be a failure. There's no failure ... just growth. Go out and take hold of whatever you want and leave the rest behind. I know you'll be thrilled when you get there.
ReplyDeleteI hope you have a fantastic time away. You might not love it all but you will certainly love that you took the risk and did what you have dreamed about doing and can decide for yourself what you do and don't like about travelling. I'm sure there will be plenty you do love. Enjoy!
ReplyDeleteCourage cannot exist without fear. Go forth with courage in leaps and bounds! x
ReplyDeleteYou are real, real people feel the whole spectrum of emotions not just the "socially acceptable" ones. To grow we need to face and embrace our fears. You are doing just that. Congratulations and Best Wishes for a safe and Wonderful trip.
ReplyDeleteOh, you made me cry!!!! I feel exactly the same, just a different journey. I'd better stop now, or I won't be able to pull myself together. Not going to wish you a safe trip, you sure won't choose an unsafe one!! Just have a GREAT time!
ReplyDeleteDear soul, I feel that way before I go ANYWHERE! Even if it is only for a couple of hours, near my home, and to something I am going to enjoy. It's partly about getting complacent in my comfort zone, but also very much about the trepidation that comes before the shedding of skin, peeling back layers, and stepping into our true selves.
ReplyDeleteI'm reminded of something that Diane Conway said in her Mondo Beyondo podctast: "Courage is fear that has said its prayers."
Remember that you are carried by the love of so many people who see you and hear you and share your strengths and vulnerabilities.
I recently read this post by Jen Lee and thought it had so much to say on how intertwined all of the above things are:
http://www.jenlee.net/home/the-middle-space.html
We're all "rooting" for you, Tinnie Girl, in the American sense of the word, he he!
Most of us feel daunted by Big things . Life is an adventure, but a bloody scary one at times.
ReplyDeleteBut I reckon all hurdles are to be taken one at a time.Then they don't loom so Large!
Have an exciting time. Push some boundries and discover new things.Not everyday a chance comes along like this. You are Lucky.
Thinking of you and Ms L as you embark on this journey.
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