I've been thinking a bit lately about why I'm finding it so hard to make the return to blogging that I really want to make.
Along with some of the more mundane challenges, like being time poor and feeling like I've lost my community, what I realised, is that for a long time it has felt like my life just hasn't made for appropriate sharing.
There's things that I just don't feel belong in the public arena and I'm conscious of how vulnerable we can make ourselves when we put it all out there.
On one hand I really admire and respect people who share their struggles, with the idea of breaking down barriers and speaking the unspeakable, and to some degree my blogging has always delved in these realms. But I also feel that there are pieces of our lives that belong in private spaces and there can be a fine line between sharing our struggles and airing our dirty laundry.
My life has been frickin' hard work for the last 15 months. The amount of shit that has happened to Ms L and I borders on the unbelievable, to the point that it has become somewhat of a laughing point with friends {in the vein of you've gotta laugh or else you'll cry}.
I've found it increasingly difficult to be in this space and to find a way to share my story without creating that icky, uncomfortable feeling that you get when you're reading something that feels more like a personal journal than a public one.
Alongside that, I've felt angry and bitter about all the crap that's been happening. And maybe somehow a little bit ashamed, like somehow I've brought all this bad luck on myself and if only I was more positive, or was able to practice gratitude or some other new age zen technique then perhaps I could turn the shit-storm I've been living into the foundation for something wonderful to happen.
And angry, bitter and ashamed do not a good blogger make!
I realised at last that this is what's been really holding me back. The exhaustion, the ill health, the constant struggles have all taken their toll, but more than anything life just hasn't made for good blogging.
Fingers crossed that a cool change is in the wind!
There's things that I just don't feel belong in the public arena and I'm conscious of how vulnerable we can make ourselves when we put it all out there.
On one hand I really admire and respect people who share their struggles, with the idea of breaking down barriers and speaking the unspeakable, and to some degree my blogging has always delved in these realms. But I also feel that there are pieces of our lives that belong in private spaces and there can be a fine line between sharing our struggles and airing our dirty laundry.
My life has been frickin' hard work for the last 15 months. The amount of shit that has happened to Ms L and I borders on the unbelievable, to the point that it has become somewhat of a laughing point with friends {in the vein of you've gotta laugh or else you'll cry}.
I've found it increasingly difficult to be in this space and to find a way to share my story without creating that icky, uncomfortable feeling that you get when you're reading something that feels more like a personal journal than a public one.
Alongside that, I've felt angry and bitter about all the crap that's been happening. And maybe somehow a little bit ashamed, like somehow I've brought all this bad luck on myself and if only I was more positive, or was able to practice gratitude or some other new age zen technique then perhaps I could turn the shit-storm I've been living into the foundation for something wonderful to happen.
And angry, bitter and ashamed do not a good blogger make!
I realised at last that this is what's been really holding me back. The exhaustion, the ill health, the constant struggles have all taken their toll, but more than anything life just hasn't made for good blogging.
Fingers crossed that a cool change is in the wind!
Cathy, I most definitely hear you! Life on this side of the pond has not been easy and some days it's hard to post, when one is feeling angry, resentful and bitter about life circumstances, despite all efforts to make a better life. Sometimes we all need a little time to ourselves, to cocoon or hibernate, until the 'ill winds' have moved on to another region. And its okay to feel angry and bitter about your life circumstances, but it's NOT okay to think that you brought them on yourself - sometimes there really are some things in Life that we just can't control, no matter how hard we try to control them. =\
ReplyDeleteIn the meantime, I do hope you are feeling better health-wise these days!!
I think returning to blogging is (unfortunately) more than one reason.
ReplyDeleteIt might be a combo of having heaps of other things to do so you don't think you have time and a bit of not thinking you have anything really interesting to say.
Whether you're busy or not depends on the priority you put on the things you're doing and where blogging fits into that scale of priorities.
Not thinking you have anything really interesting to say depends on how you feel about yourself, what you think other people will think and what's happening around you that stirs your creative (blogging) juices. Personally, I don't really care about what other people think. If my girlfriend, my sister and my dog think I'm a legend then everyone else can "go forth and multiply". As far as outside influences are concerned, it's a big wierd troubling world out there so just go for it if you get the urge or if you find yourself thinking something strongly enough.