Looking back through my blog late last night I realised that it's been over two months since I've really been present in this space.
Every day I try to write a post that talks about where I've been. How I completely lost my way. How I lost my faith and hope. How I couldn't paint. How I had no words. And how sad it made me.
How for as long as I can remember I've said that I wanted to work for myself, that I wanted to have my own business. How I believed it will all my heart and soul. How for many of those years I didn't know what that work might entail, only that I wanted to do it for myself. How it was only when I started painting a few years back that I felt like all the pieces were coming together in that I finally had a 'product' that could become a business.
How after months and years of working my ass off in pursuit of dreams and goals that I'd so carefully mapped out, I felt not only exhausted, but completely uninspired and unmotivated to continue pursuing them.
How when I finally stopped chasing I felt like such a failure, such a loser and the most pathetic excuse for a creative entrepreneur around. How I told myself all sorts of stories about what it takes to be successful, and how hard successful people work, and how I admonished myself for not being the kind of person that could ... {insert all sorts of self-criticism}
And how the other thing that I felt at the end of all this was relief. Absolute, complete, soulful relief. How owning up to the fact that what I was doing wasn't working and letting go, really letting go, was like breathing out for the first time this year.
That's where I've been. Working through a major turning point in my life. And I'm still working through it. And it's still so very hard to find the words to describe it. And I still feel both a huge sense of relief and a huge sense of failure. And I still have no real idea of what to make of all this and where to go next.
But I've missed blogging. The more I've waited to have the right words, or a happy ending, or at least some sense of where to next, the more time has passed. And the more time has passed, the more there is to try and say, and the harder it gets.
Every day I try to write a post that talks about where I've been. How I completely lost my way. How I lost my faith and hope. How I couldn't paint. How I had no words. And how sad it made me.
How for as long as I can remember I've said that I wanted to work for myself, that I wanted to have my own business. How I believed it will all my heart and soul. How for many of those years I didn't know what that work might entail, only that I wanted to do it for myself. How it was only when I started painting a few years back that I felt like all the pieces were coming together in that I finally had a 'product' that could become a business.
How after months and years of working my ass off in pursuit of dreams and goals that I'd so carefully mapped out, I felt not only exhausted, but completely uninspired and unmotivated to continue pursuing them.
How when I finally stopped chasing I felt like such a failure, such a loser and the most pathetic excuse for a creative entrepreneur around. How I told myself all sorts of stories about what it takes to be successful, and how hard successful people work, and how I admonished myself for not being the kind of person that could ... {insert all sorts of self-criticism}
And how the other thing that I felt at the end of all this was relief. Absolute, complete, soulful relief. How owning up to the fact that what I was doing wasn't working and letting go, really letting go, was like breathing out for the first time this year.
That's where I've been. Working through a major turning point in my life. And I'm still working through it. And it's still so very hard to find the words to describe it. And I still feel both a huge sense of relief and a huge sense of failure. And I still have no real idea of what to make of all this and where to go next.
But I've missed blogging. The more I've waited to have the right words, or a happy ending, or at least some sense of where to next, the more time has passed. And the more time has passed, the more there is to try and say, and the harder it gets.
So today I decided to just show up and spill. Imperfectly, messily, honestly. The best way I know how.
there's nothing imperfect or messy about the truth, as long as it's honest.
ReplyDeletethanks for sharing the way that you've been feeling, i'm sure so many feel the same way.
i think the most important thing is to merely keep chasing and finding the things that make us happy!
xo
Thanks Nicole. It feel like another breath of relief to put it out there.
Deletesometimes when we blog we feel compelled to put a rosy glow on everything..... and after a bit reading or writing pollyannaesque rosyness makes me feel a tad ill (like when you eat too much sugar) - because you know that nothing and no one is perfect --- I'll take (and give) a bit of messy honesty everyday (there's less tooth decay or ulcers this way)
ReplyDeleteSo many of us have had similar creative experiences. You are definitely not alone. The grief of failing is very difficult but there is another road for you.
ReplyDeleteKeep in mind you are your worse critic, don't be so hard on yourself. Everyday when you wake up it is a fabulous day, what you do with the rest of it, is your choice. Change your choices, and live each day to the fullest, doing only what makes you happy for that day. Each day it might be something different, but if it makes you happy for that day, that is all that matters when the day is over, that you lived that day to the fullest. No one is guaranteed tomorrow, so make the most of today.
ReplyDeleteI think you have just described the life of an artist! It can be like a roller coaster ride -lots of ups and lots of downs. Lots of self analysis, questioning, high expectations and self admonishing.
ReplyDeleteAnn Marie was spot on.
Allow yourself to have these low times and hopefully the pressure will be lifted. And maybe remember why you painted in the beginning?
Just have to tell myself this too!
xo
So honest and raw Cathy... not only do I hear what you are saying... completely... I can totally resonate... the thing I love about major turning points is... that you never know where they are going to take you... it certainly is one hell of a ride...
ReplyDeleteHugs
Jenny x
And we still love you.
ReplyDeleteI hear what you are saying and I'm glad you are so honest. Thanks for sharing. Good luck! :)
ReplyDeleteThere's so much heart and soul in being your own boss, and it takes a huge amount to admit when it's not working. You've been so brave to say it out loud, and I'm sure it will all work out in the end.xx
ReplyDeleteThanks for being honest and real and for saying exactly how you feel. My blogging has been very random of late. I too have felt that I haven't been really present. Every time I'd sit down to blog, nothing would come. My heart just wasn't in it. You have probably said what lots of others our there in blog land feel.
ReplyDeleteGood to see you. :) Danielle LaPorte says: Show up. Shine. Let it go. You are doing exactly that.
ReplyDeleteA gutsy post. Very honest and raw and by putting this out there, you will find that you are not alone in feeling this way. Go with what you believe in and it will work for you.
ReplyDeleteLife in arts and crafts is much like the ebb and flow of the ocean, when you are on top you ride that wave glorious and proud, when you are down its like a gobful of sand, sprinkled with sand no matter how much we wash it off (anyone would think I hate sand or something)
ReplyDeleteWhat Im trying to say is go with the waves and the dumps, at the end of the day only YOU can be happy with your choices :)