{what i saw}

I took this selfie on the way to work yesterday morning.  There was something about it that really intrigued me and I couldn't put my finger on it.  Last night when I glanced at it again it hit me.  

It completely sums up the journey I've been on the last few weeks and where I've been standing these past few days.  How I've wanted {needed} to completely block out the world and all the noise.  The incessant noise of social media, the incessant noise of my own thoughts and the incessant noise of comparison and to-do lists.  For some time now I've felt completely saturated by noise. Constantly surrounded and yet empty and alone. 

The sense of being lost and stagnant has been so palpable.  I'm still struggling to put words around it.  

All I know for sure is that my inner compass malfunctioned and I completely lost my way.  I also know that is has something to do with my creativity and the role I want it to play in my life. 

I finished the Soul Business course with a plan that looked great on paper and theoretically was meant to fly.  There were markets and an Etsy shop, commissions and exhibitions, e-courses and workshops, and plans, so many plans.  Then there was the to-do list, pages long, strategic, relentless. Yep, it was all there just waiting to be done.  And I threw myself at it with gusto, hope and determination.

But the further I pushed forward the more something felt drastically wrong. I told myself it was self-doubt and lack of confidence.  I told myself that this was what it took to run a creative business.  I told myself I was on track.

But I wasn't.  I'm not.

Right now I have no idea where I am or where I'm headed.  And for the first time in months I feel pretty OK.  I know that it's going to take time for my inner compass to mend.  It's been pretty badly damaged. 

So I'm taking time.  I'm not making any plans.  I'm just taking the days as they come and seeing what they offer.  I'm getting rid of some of the noise {goodbye twitter account, farewell to some of my facebook groups, bye bye to the umpteen newsletters clogging up my inbox}. I'm going to keep reading and cooking and resting.  I'm going to keep telling my story.  And I'm going to paint {oh how I've missed painting through all this}

And right now I'm going to rug up and take a walk in the wind and the rain, and listen to some loud tunes.

Happy weekend my friends.

*****

Tomorrow I'll be at the Made By Us Twilight Market with lots of lovely others.  I heard there's going to be churros!