Friday, June 29, 2012

{what i saw}

Rugged up to stay warm

I took this selfie on the way to work yesterday morning.  There was something about it that really intrigued me and I couldn't put my finger on it.  Last night when I glanced at it again it hit me.  

It completely sums up the journey I've been on the last few weeks and where I've been standing these past few days.  How I've wanted {needed} to completely block out the world and all the noise.  The incessant noise of social media, the incessant noise of my own thoughts and the incessant noise of comparison and to-do lists.  For some time now I've felt completely saturated by noise. Constantly surrounded and yet empty and alone. 

The sense of being lost and stagnant has been so palpable.  I'm still struggling to put words around it.  

All I know for sure is that my inner compass malfunctioned and I completely lost my way.  I also know that is has something to do with my creativity and the role I want it to play in my life. 

I finished the Soul Business course with a plan that looked great on paper and theoretically was meant to fly.  There were markets and an Etsy shop, commissions and exhibitions, e-courses and workshops, and plans, so many plans.  Then there was the to-do list, pages long, strategic, relentless. Yep, it was all there just waiting to be done.  And I threw myself at it with gusto, hope and determination.

But the further I pushed forward the more something felt drastically wrong. I told myself it was self-doubt and lack of confidence.  I told myself that this was what it took to run a creative business.  I told myself I was on track.

But I wasn't.  I'm not.

Right now I have no idea where I am or where I'm headed.  And for the first time in months I feel pretty OK.  I know that it's going to take time for my inner compass to mend.  It's been pretty badly damaged. 

So I'm taking time.  I'm not making any plans.  I'm just taking the days as they come and seeing what they offer.  I'm getting rid of some of the noise {goodbye twitter account, farewell to some of my facebook groups, bye bye to the umpteen newsletters clogging up my inbox}. I'm going to keep reading and cooking and resting.  I'm going to keep telling my story.  And I'm going to paint {oh how I've missed painting through all this}

And right now I'm going to rug up and take a walk in the wind and the rain, and listen to some loud tunes.

Happy weekend my friends.

*****


Tomorrow I'll be at the Made By Us Twilight Market with lots of lovely others.  I heard there's going to be churros!

6 comments:

  1. I understand where you are coming from, enjoy every moment. Good Luck with the market and have fun
    Melissa

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  2. Totally here you about blocking out all the noise. It overwhelms me too. I need big old fluffy earmuffs I think. Just so I can concentrate on my inner voice and get on with things.
    Big virtual hug for you Cathy, whilst you enjoy the silence, cooking, reading, painting and nourishing that you most deservedly need.

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  3. It is a healthy choice taking time to rest and take care of yourself. I´ve been unsuscribing from lots of mailing lists and deleting links these days. That way the daily routine is so much lighter. For the second half of the year I´ll be declutering my home and creating spaces for what is left.

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  4. Just taking a moment to check in on favorite bloggers and wanted to say that I love this post and your "wide open" post and I see how clear it is that when you start following your own voice and inner compass, your joy returns so quickly!

    Reading your blog posts as you walk your path toward being an Artist is SO inspiring Cathy and it always reminds me that I am not the only person who struggles with self doubt, especially when I start following someone else's idea of how to go about forming my life path, when I know I need to let it unfold ORGANICALLY and NATURALLY, following my own personal life rhythms...

    I'm also glad to see you are painting again and SO colorfully too!

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  5. I could have written this exact post. I've also deleted my twitter account a week ago and I've never been happier. I was getting so tired of all the noise, and the cliquey groups, and and and. Also sick of myself and how I sounded. I worried about not being genuine.

    Going to Townsville to spend time with myself and 103 of my closest quilting friends totally renewed my spirit. Hope your spirit continues to blossom. You're such an inspiration to so many.

    PS Love that yellow scarf!

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  6. Robyn - MelbourneJuly 10, 2012 at 6:36 PM

    The trouble with the world is that it has got too noisy - way too many things pulling for our attention. Our forebears knew the answer - go out into the wilderness and find yourself. That could be a bit extreme, cause i quite like my comfy bed, but we do have to withdraw in order to find space and time for our thoughts and self nurture. If we don't fill up we can't nurture others

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