I started a new job about 2 months ago. In fact I started 2 new part-time jobs. I'm in that total beginner place at the moment. Feeling a little unsettled and like I really have no idea what I'm doing. Even though the actual tasks are familiar the context is completely new and somewhat foreign. Then of course there's the business of getting to know new peeps, finding my place within the team, building relationships, and means of communication and negotiation. It's complex and it's totally kicking my ass this week.
One of the blessings of my new work situation is that I work from home about 50% of the time. It gives me space and freedom, and some time out from all the unsettling stuff.
I've been snatching small moments of time in between tasks to paint this week. I almost felt like I couldn't help myself, like I had to do it. When I reflected on what was compelling me so, it was fascinating to realise that in all the swirling newness and uncertainty painting felt like my comfort zone. Painting feels familiar and solid, and grounding. I know what I'm doing when I paint.
The significance of this isn't lost on me. In fact it completely blows me away.
On the 28th Sept 2008 I wrote the following over on my first blog:
"I'm going to start listening to the secret desires of my heart and I'm going to let them become loud and visible, tangible and possible. How am I going to do it? Well first of all I'm going to give them voice.
I want to be an artist, and a writer.
Wow, it feels frightening to see that on the screen in front of me, to think about pushing the 'publish post' button. So many thoughts of being an impostor, of not being good enough, of not being allowed to wish for such flights of fancy. I can't help but worry that everyone is just going to laugh at me either overtly or behind my back.
Somewhere deep inside though is a tiny flame that won't be extinguished. It's been there for as long as I can remember. There's an energy and lightness to my being when I am being creative. When I dream of a life as a creative soul and when I am being creative I feel energised and at peace with my place in the universe."
Three and a half years later here I am. I am an artist and a writer.
Like I said, it blows me away. And there's so much more to come.