{gearing up, sort of}

Back to work this week. It feels like a bit of a slog at the moment. Partly because I'm only back for two weeks and then off on a lovely holiday, so it doesn't quite feel like the year has started.

I'm also waiting to hear on the outcome of a new position that I applied for late last year. It 's an exciting new opportunity, and very likely to be mine, but you know, all that dotting of i's and crossing of t's that has to happen before things are official.

So I'm kind of in an in-between place at the moment. Trying to gear up but also unable to until I know what my role will be exactly and until I'm really settled for the year.

How about you? Are you gearing up and going full steam ahead?

{why, hello there 2015}

Hello friends

How are you?

Is 2015 off to a good start for you?

I don't know where 2014 went. One minute it was June and then it was December.

But now it's January 2015.

I love new year. I always have. So full of possibility and hope. A chance to reflect and review, make plans, set goals and intentions, and dream a little dream or two.

Anyway, just saying Hi for now. But I'll be back soon with lots more.

{goodbye 2013, and good riddance}

I know it's almost March, but wrapping up the year past has always been one of my blogging rituals. And in many ways I feel like I'm just putting 2013 to bed and stepping into 2014. But first to 2013...

2013 was a fucker of a year, there's just no other way of saying it. A friend said to me a little while back, think of all the great stuff that happened. It's true, there was some great stuff, or certainly a lot of new stuff - a new job, a new house, a new car, new lungs for CurlyPops - but the circumstances in which much of it arrived felt overwhelming, unplanned and out of control. And there was enormous loss, stress, anxiety, overwhelm, burnout, fear and at the end of the year the greatest blow of all.

I'm not sure how to put it all into any kind of succinct order or flow, so perhaps I'll just map it out month by month.

January

• Returned to work full-time after relinquishing my dream of being a full-time artist. It took months, maybe all year, to process that decision, to grieve for what might have been, to understand the why of it all and to make peace. In the end I'm so happy that I let go of making art into a business. It just wasn't my path.
• Started my new job.

February

• Cam got her new lungs. This was, has been, still is one of the most amazing things that I have ever been a part of. Watching Cam take that journey, being alongside it, has been an honour and a privilege. I'm so incredibly proud of what she's achieved in the 12 months since her transplant, the strength and courage that she has shown, the way that she has grabbed her new life with everything she's got.
• At the same time it was incredibly hard and scary to watch her go through the early parts of the recovery, and to watch her deal with the emotional and physical challenges that were part and parcel of having a major life changing and saving surgery. I was only 3 weeks into my new job when she got the call, trying to find my way in a new and chaotic environment, trying to establish myself. All I really wanted was to be there for her, but my job demanded everything of me, absolutely everything. I gave what I could, but it wasn't as much as I wanted to and I regret that I wasn't able to be the friend that I wanted to be. 

 

March/April

• By the beginning of March I was working 50-60 hour weeks every week just trying to stay on top of the demands of my new job. I was doing the work of 2+ people and trying my absolute hardest to keep on top of it all. It was exhausting and unsustainable, but I'd made a commitment, and the messages I was getting was that it was a reasonable expectation and what was required if I was to prove my worth.
• BigCat had another health scare. It turned out to be a continued problem with his thyroid. Reality is his health is declining and age is taking its toll. As I write this today his kidneys are starting to wear and he's gone completely blind. He's happy and we're fully committed to ensuring that his quality of life is never compromised, no matter how much we never want to say goodbye to him. But his time with us is drawing to a close. He's in the end stages of his life, whenever that final moment may come.
• BigCat also peed on my computer and fried the mother board.
• Just as we started thinking that things were settling down a call from the real estate agent to see if we would like to renew our lease for another 2 years turned into the owner deciding that she wanted to sell up and into us looking for a new place to live. It felt like horrible timing and even though we ultimately embraced it as an opportunity, and found a lovely new place to live, it was emotionally, financially and physically taxing.

 

 

May

• I celebrated my birthday. Ms L organised a surprise party for me and it was absolutely lovely.
• Towards the end of May, again just when it seemed like things were finally, finally settling down (for realz this time), Ms L was hit by a car riding her bike home from work. She spent the rest of the year recovering. While her injuries were reasonably minor (thank God), she had extensive and ongoing pain that lasted for 6 months, a massive exacerbation of her chronic fatigue, shock and post traumatic stress, loads of time off work, a shitload of medical stuff to deal with, loads of isolation and a massive knock to her overall sense of safety in the world.
• While Ms L was going through all that I was drowning at work. Between us we were like the walking dead. We had nothing in the tank and nothing to offer each other. The next 6 months would become the darkest times in our 13 years together.

 

June

• Our car died. Forever! We'd been talking about replacing it early in 2014 when finances permitted. But the universe decided June. So we got a lovely brand spanking, safe, comfortable new Toyota.
• I said goodbye to blogging. That post cracks me up when I read it now "There is so much goodness happening in my life at the moment and things are falling into place in the best possible way.  I am exactly where I want and need to be". I don't know what drugs I was on when I wrote that. At the time I thought that I was where I needed to be. There was good stuff amidst the shit and it seemed like things were finally starting to settle down. Being the philosophical and optimistic soul that I am I was trusting that it was all falling into place.
• Work was manic. It was one of my two busiest times of the year and I worked myself into exhaustion. I believed so firmly in the cause I was working for that I justified it to myself. And if it had been the exception rather than the rule it probably would have been OK to work like that sometimes. But it wasn't the exception and no matter what I gave it was never enough.
• I went on a wonderful, soul-enriching painting retreat and weekend away with two of my favourite peeps. There was magic in that weekend. Beautiful lessons about what it means to truly connect with friends, to lean on them, to let them see you in your moments of vulnerability.
• I had a weekend in Radelaide and the Clare Valley with another of my favourite people. Again, true friendship, heartful conversation, great food and wine. 

July

• I crashed and burned. I spent most of July off work sick. It started with a pretty big health scare, a whole lot of tests, an almost middle of the night trip to emergency, a week in bed and was followed by a bout of flu-like something that saw me spend almost another 2 weeks in bed. 
• The pressure at work didn't ease and in the midst of being the sickest I've been in years I had to keep doing the work of 2+ people.  

 

August

• My gorgeous foster sister lost her mother after a long battle with illness. I didn't even go to the funeral because it would have been too hard to get the time away from work. Another regret, another decision based on the unreasonable expectations being placed on me, another moment of choosing work over everything else.

 

September

• I had an exhibition. I don't know how on earth I managed to pull that off, but I did, and I am extremely proud of 'Spring Will Come Again'.
• Ms L and I had a glorious holiday in The Grampians. It was 8 days of pure indulgence, including a much anticipated visit to The Royal Mail Hotel for an incredible dining experience.
• I passed my probationary review at work. After slogging it out for 8 months I finally got to have some sense of having made it. Even then though the message I got was you have to give more, more, more. You have to prove yourself. You have to show us that you are worthy. Oh, if I could go back in time to that moment. What I would do differently!

 

 

October

• We celebrated Ms L's birthday with a beautiful picnic by the creek, surrounded by family and friends. I spoiled her rotten with special gifts, her favourite cupcakes and everything else I could think of.
• We learned that circumstances had changed for the owner of our house and what had been bought as a long-term investment property was now to become her family home. The real estate agent notified us that we would have to be out in February, after only 10 months in the house. Thanks to being well-educated and resourceful people we were able to ascertain our rights and to let the real estate agent know that we would move out at the end of our lease in April, not in February. 

November

• I finally went to the physio to see about that niggling pain in my foot that had been hanging around since July. Spent the rest of the month on crutches and a couple of months rehabing it. But I'm all healed now. I couldn't help but see the connection between having a problem in the sole of my foot and feeling like my soul was so completely out of balance.
• My Uncle died, sitting in the sun in his backyard one beautiful November afternoon.
• After months and months, and months, of relentless stress Ms L and I nearly called it quits. Reducing this to a sentence or two seems ludicrous, but there are no words for what we went through, and it's too private for the blog anyway. And we made it through the woods, happier and stronger than ever, or at least we are well on the way.

 

 

December 

• I ran the most successful fundraising campaign that my workplace had ever had. Like 6 times more successful than anything previous.
• 2 days before Christmas, without any notice or warning, I lost my job. I was thanked for my service and asked to leave that day. There is not a lot I can or want to say about this. There was no justifiable reason for it. I didn't do anything wrong. In fact I gave my heart and soul, at the expense of everything else in my life, to the job and to the people we served. At the end of the day it wasn't enough. At the end of the day, no matter what I did, gave or invested, it was never enough and for some reason it was never going to be. So, I left that day. I wasn't able to tidy up anything, notify anyone, say goodbye to most of my colleagues or have any sense of closure. I was there and then I wasn't. And after 2 months of reflecting, processing and debriefing I am so fucking glad.
• We had a wonderful Christmas with my family.
• For the first time in 13 years we had Christmas with Ms L's family. There's been long-standing issues in her family about our relationship and for the first time ever these were fully put aside and we all sat down to Christmas lunch together. It was joyous and fun, and the best Christmas gift ever.
• We saw the new year out with this lovely lady and her partner. I was so completely exhausted that I would have been better off going to bed at 8.30pm. But I had to see 2013 out. I couldn't have it any other way.

 

I've spent the last 8 weeks since leaving work taking stock of absolutely everything. I have examined my life with a magnifying glass. I have processed, reflected, written copiously in my journal, considered, and thankfully made sense of things, well many things, and as much sense as I can. Somehow losing my job became an incredible catalyst for growth and personal development, kindness and self-love. An opportunity for renewal. I have emerged from this time feeling stronger, happier and more balanced than I have in the last 18 months.

My plan was to start blogging on 1st January and to kick the year off with this post.  I see now that it has taken this two months to be able to put it all into words.

As is the way of things, today is the perfect day to write this post. I start a new job tomorrow. We applied for a new house yesterday and were approved {we move in 2 weeks}. It feels like a lot happening all at once {as always} but somehow I just know that it's going to be a little less crazy, a little less topsy-turvy. It's going to be a great year.

So for the last time 2013, goodbye and good fucking riddance!

{so long 2012, and thanks}

Dear 2012

Another year been and gone.  I'm amazed at how quickly the time seems to fly. 2012 you were a goodie.  It took most of the year to see it but you were full of gifts.  You restored my faith in the universe and in me, and you showed me the way back onto my path. 

Sure, there were tough times {not as tough as that 2011 though} and lots of bumps in the road, but one of the things you taught me is to make peace with what is.  To enjoy the ride, celebrate the good times and know that the journey goes in waves.  Sometimes things flow easily and life is good and other times it's full of challenges.  It's how it is.

You taught me a lot about strength 2012.  You put situations in my path where I was forced to stand up for myself.  For my integrity and for my worth.  And stand up for myself I did.  And it made me proud.  And it made me strong.  And I'm glad.

You were the year that I realised I didn't want to make a business out of my creativity, or perhaps more accurately that my creativity as a business couldn't sustain me in the way I wanted it to - financially or emotionally.  It was a shock to realise and I think I'm still trying to fully let go.

2012 you asked me to look deep within, learn how to trust my intuition again and to really consider what vision I held for my life.  You showed me that I can have it all but in order to do so I'd need to think more creatively, be more flexible and more open minded.  At the same time you showed me that it's ok to laugh more, relax more and generally have more fun.  That life is for living and enjoying, not for constant worry, fear and stress.

You taught me how much I have to offer and how important it is for me to feel like I'm making a meaningful contribution in the world.  And you showed me how to do it.  You showed me the past and helped me let go, and showed me the future and how to leap into it.

At the end it felt like a year of reconciliation and recalibration.  A year of questions that also brought answers.  A challenging, soul searching year that left me feeling joyful and quite simply happy.

You were a beauty 2012.  So long, and thanks.

{happy new year peeps}

work in progress

36 x 48 inches

may 2012 be filled with that which you love most.

as always, thank you for taking this journey with me. i am forever grateful.

{making plans}

I absolutely love new year.  I love reflecting on the year that's been and dreaming and planning for the year ahead.   I have to admit I'm excited for this year to be over too.  It's been a tough one.  It feels like that's really shifting though and I'll be glad to put this year to rest and leap into the new one.

I've seen some good resources around if you want to dive deep into the process of reflection and planning.  

Susannah Conway has a free 16 page downloadable workbook to help "unravel your year ahead and say farewell to the year behind".  It looks fantastic.  Grab it here. 

The ever inspiring Andrea Scher also has a free worksheet for you to download over here.  This is her original Mondo Beyondo end of year ritual and I love it.

I've been reading through my archives as part of my process and found a couple of posts on how I think about writing new year's lists.  You can find them here and here.

I've been thinking about my word for the year too.  Another ritual that I love.  I was reading this post last night about how I found my word for 2011.   And Liz Lamaroux has a great post over at Roots of She about embracing a word for the year.

All this stuff gets me so excited and energised.  I am a dreamer and soul searcher at heart.

Did I tell you that Louise Gale and I have been working on some super-secret-squirrel business that is going to rock your new year?  Stay tuned for a big announcement on January 3rd.

2009: Farewell

Street Art, Liverpool St, Melbourne

"And I'm learning to be brave in my beautiful mistakes
Oh, I've felt that fire and I, I've been burned
But I wouldn't trade the pain for what I've learned"
Pink - Crystal Ball

I've been thinking about my end of year post for a few weeks now. Trying to find the feeling and the words that would tell the story. I was driving today listening to Pink. The lines above say it all about what 2009 was for me.

At the start of the year I said I wanted to ENJOY. "I'd like to enjoy life more, enjoy taking risks, enjoy the good things that have been happening in my life, enjoy moving forwards with my dreams and goals, enjoy my relationships with people and enjoy each and every day for what it is."

Looking back now I'd take the word ENJOY out of that sentence. It would read more like this "I'll live life more, take risks, build on the good things that have been happening in my life, move forward with my dreams and goals, develop my relationships with people and take each and every day for what it is."

If it read like that I would declare it to be true. I achieved many goals, made progress with others and there were a few that just didn't make it. There were lots of things that weren't on the list that were accomplished, created and experienced.

But the word ENJOY is not the word that describes my year. 2009 was many things, and there were definitely times that were enjoyable. But it was not an easy year, it was not a year filled with lightness and a relaxed way of being in the world.

2009 was the year that my best friend died. 2009 was the year that Ms L's chronic fatigue continued to create havoc on all aspects of our life. 2009 was a year of deepest unrest in my working life, including an unsatisfactory job change and continued career questioning. 2009 was a year of financial difficulty, car trouble, computer meltdowns. 2009 was a year of questioning, self-doubt, uncertainty and grief.

At the same time 2009 was a year of creating and strengthening. 2009 was a year where blog friendships became real friendships. 2009 was a year where I explored and expanded my creativity. 2009 was a year where I made plans, and dreamed big of the creative life I want to live. 2009 was a year where I developed a daily discipline for writing and loved it. 2009 was a year that I rode over 1000kms, joined a gym and started my weight loss journey.

2009 was a year to test me, to stretch me and to help me to see what I'm capable of and what matters. I am learning to be brave and to take risks, I'm learning to be honest with myself and others, I'm learning to be strong and confident and sure of my place in the world.

I didn't ENJOY 2009 but I wouldn't change it, apart from wishing that my best friend were still alive. I wouldn't take back the lessons.

I come to 2010 knowing that the universe has a plan for me, that I just have to listen, look for signs, be open to opportunity, willing to say yes, patient. I think that 2010 is going to be a wonderful year.

Happy New Year!

The Days Stretch Out Before Me

I love this time of year. Lazy days lying around watching DVD's, eating leftovers, rearranging the house, dreaming and making plans for the year ahead.



Xmas was lovely. A wonderful few days of family, food and low-key celebration.


We were meant to take a little trip up the highway to Canberra but the car had different plans for us. So we are here, mostly staying at home in our PJ's all day, taking it easy.


I've been baking. I bought a copy of Artisan Bread in 5 Minutes A Day after reading about it on Kitty's Kaboodle. I was a little bit hesitant when I saw that it didn't have many pictures in it. I like a visual guide to the end result. This book is amazing though. Instant fabulous results. All I want to do is make batches of bread. So I bake.


I didn't plan to have a holiday from the computer but it's been nice to unplug and focus on other things.

So, back to the clearing and rearranging I go. I'm making space for 2010 to arrive.

Looking Back, Looking Forward

I don't know about you, but I'm already starting to think about new year. I tend to start reflecting around mid-December and often brew thoughts and ideas right through to mid-January before I really feel that I'm done with the process of letting go of one year and moving to the next.

Looking back to the immediate past, the Made n' Thornbury market on Saturday was lots of fun. I was in fabulous company and had a wonderful day catching up with friends, fellow makers and bloggers, and meeting some new peeps.

Do you know that the Thornbury Craft Bonanza is now 18 months old? I didn't even realise it myself. That's definitely been a highlight for this year. Having regular time with other crafty folk is so good for the soul. I've had lots of requests throughout the year from people who'd like to join the group. So, by popular demand (doesn't that sound great) the Thornbury Craft Bonanza is going to become a fortnightly Thursday evening craft group open to all. I'll do a separate post with all the details in the next few days. I'm just firming up a location and time.

I've already decided on my word or theme for next year. 2010 is my year to SHINE!


I have a lot of trouble recognising the unique gifts that I bring to the world. I spend lots of wasted time holding back while I watch other people step forward. Next year I'm going to step forward and really own my place in the world. I'm going to ignite my passion and my gifts and I'm going to share them. I love what Kelly Rae Roberts wrote yesterday about being courageous and authentic. It was exactly what I need to read. There is enough room in this world for each and every one of us, and sometimes the best thing you can do for yourself is to turn off all the noise and just listen to your own inner whispers.

A couple of things that I'm already really looking forward to next year:

• The new and improved Northern Craft Bonanza. Like I said, stay tuned for all the details.
• Launching a new blog that I've been working on for months. It's about a subject very close to my heart.
• Attending the inaugural Sew It Together - Australian Craft Blog Convention in May 2010. If you haven't signed up yet, head on over.
  
• My trip to An Artful Journey. Only 8 weeks till I head off. I am so, so, so, so excited.
• Taking all the ideas, plans and dreams that I've been carrying around most of my life and continuing to take step after step to making them real.

Are you looking back, looking forward at the moment? What do you see?

A big heartfelt thanks to Kylie and Chrissy who encouraged me

not to give up and to push forward with this painting.
I actually really love it now.
(See Cam, I told you it wasn't quite finished)