I've noticed this tendancy developing over the last year. To hide away from my blog {and the world for that matter} when things aren't feeling all that good. I used to be so much better at just turning up. Bringing my whole self. Warts and all.
I've been missing that chick. The one who brought her whole self. Who celebrated the achievements and the milestones, and also bravely owned the crap stuff. The woman who tells her story in all it's guises.
It's funny that it's been as my life has become more successful, as I've felt like I'm getting somewhere with my dreams that I've felt that I have no right to complain or be sad or disappointed. Somewhere along the line I felt like I had to be happy all the time, constantly grateful, eternally positive. Even when things have felt completely and utterly crapped out I've noticed this compulsion to focus on the lessons, the learnings, the 'what can I take from this experience that will enrich me as a person'. It's bloody exhausting to be positive all the time. A relentless and futile pursuit.
What I've been realising over the past few days is that when I only tell the good bits of my story, and deny myself the opportunity to feel and experience all the dimensions of my life it reduces me to something less than I am. I become a shadow of myself. I don't like this woman who isn't being real and telling it like it is. I don't like this woman who is so concerned with sounding like a whinger, or being a victim that she leaves no space for feeling pain as well as joy. This woman is constantly exhausted by trying to be positive. This woman constantly compares herself to others. This woman is constantly convinced that everyone else is moving so much further ahead of her, experiencing more success, more joy, more serendipity and synchronicity. This woman constantly feels that she is not enough and that her dreams will never be. This woman is exhausted and sad and afraid and overwhelmed.
It came to me on my ride this morning. The simple truth. That when I show up and own all the pieces I feel so much less afraid and sad and overwhelmed. That when I make space for all of it I begin to heal and renew.
This is where I stand today. Tall. Wholly present. Warts and all.
How about you? Where are you standing today? Do tell. If you don't want to share in the comments you can email me at tinniegirl/at/optusnet.com.au
Let yourself be seen today. Warts and all.
Hi Cathy, You were actually in my thoughts today.Even though it was only on Sunday that you last posted, your blog absence got me thinking all might not be well.Most probably because you did mention that you felt rather exhausted.
ReplyDeleteAnyway I like the honesty you write this post with and whenever you do feel like a whinge I'm sure it will only give us comfort that we aren't alone.
Today I'm feeling rather, well very, anxious about the flood watch
for the river we live on.I'm not too concerned about our house. We are quite high up. But am more anxious as to whether I send my kids to school on the bus tomorrow(which involves a river crossing on the car ferry). Do I sit tight at home and have faith in the B.O.M that they will give us plenty of time to pick them up, or keep them close with me at home. Maybe by morning the answer will be clearer...
I don't think I would know where to start!!
ReplyDeleteYou've written this really well Cathy. Great stuff.
ReplyDeleteToday... I just wanted to sleep, just wanted to be on my own for a bit, did that, tried not to feel guilty and then eventually got myself to a place where I could enjoy the over-stimulating company of my youthful mob.
Mmm you've hit a home run with this! It has been a really tough month for me and there are no blog posts from me for the whole month of February either! I too go MIA when things get tough I understand really well what have said. More importantly you have rattled me a little as to why I become such a recluse. What is that internal conversation that is somehow happening but I am not really hearing that sends me to my own world and makes me become so reclusive? The things said in your post are really made me think. Thank you
ReplyDeleteWow, I could have written so much of this. At the moment so many things have gone wrong, I'm mad and sad and depressed and I have trouble interacting on the net when I'm like this. Yes, it is exhausting being positive and I've actually spent a lot of energy building others up I've left nothing for myself and had to take a step back from some real life friendships because of this. Love and hugs Mxxx
ReplyDeleteHoney, think of all the bloggers we like and talk about, the ones who are "real". Gals just like us, who are brave in their explorations. Gals, just like us, who work hard to show up and sit with their vulnerabilities.
ReplyDeleteAs you often say, this life is not for the faint of heart. There is much to fear when we put ourselves out there.
You and I know from experience that no one will every judge us as harshly as we judge ourselves.
But we also know that when we do take that step and "lower the water level" (as Flora B might say), that it creates opportunity for real connection... and it also inspires courage in the people who connect with our words.
Thank you for sharing your whole self today. We are all richer for it.
Be kind to yourself and be sure to schedule some serious down time and, if possible, pampering this weekend.
xxx
Real people aren't all happiness and delight. Some of the most outwardly happy people I know are the most depressed and sad people at home. The ones who admit to the bad days, and allow themselves to be realistic about them sucking, but also revel in the good days and the joy they bring are more balanced and gently happy. Every life has good and bad it's sort of about balancing them, not going too high with the highs, not going too low with the lows.
ReplyDeleteYou've already realised that accepting the bad with the good makes you feel more whole. Now it's time to stop comparing yourself to others and their successes. There is only one of you and from the outside looking in, you have had some amazing successes in the past few years. You've had some lows as well, that's the roller coaster of life. Accept that they are amazing and they have been in your life. There are people out here who are in awe of what you are doing and wish they could be more like you in going after what they want! From someone who is trying to work out how to fit into this world we live in, and where to go to next: you are a beautiful artist and if it is truly what you like to do and be, revel in it!
I hear ya Cathy please don't stress or fret Luv. It takes time, especially when you're complicated and talented too. Trust me been exactly there where you're at and guess what these feelings aren't forever! For me I grew up when I got to 50 so I'm sure it will happen for you too. It's worth waiting for!
ReplyDeleteWe have to go through all this shit to come out the other end. To be proud, loud, wise and every other sensaish attribute we want to be we first have to experience the crap!
Hang in there Loveliness, you're going to love every single moment of this marvellous life when it happens to YOU. xo,
Once again you have managed to write much of what is going on with me lately...I've mentioned on my own blog doing a workshop with 2 life coaches and the exercises we went through REALLY brought up some stuff I didn't realize was going on with me and that is because I've been trying SO HARD to THINK POSITIVELY that it actually became a TRAP and a BLOCK to accessing what has been simmering below the surface for a long time =-\
ReplyDeleteCan you imagine the concept of 'thinking positively' having a negative impact in our lives?!?!
As much as I love you sharing yourself warts and all, I think it's okay to take a little time for oneself and oneself alone to sort through what is going in internally, but I thank you for sharing your warts today, my friend, because it reminds me that I too can be proud of my own warts as they help to shape the person I'm continually striving to be =-)
This post was like breathing in fresh air. Thank-you. Really. xo
ReplyDelete