Friday, May 28, 2010

Where I've Been, Time And Time Again

Work in progress

nemesis: an opponent or rival whom a person cannot best or overcome

inertia: inertness, especially with regard to effort, motion, action, and the like; inactivity; sluggishness
insidious: intended to entrap or beguile

despondency: depression of spirits from loss of courage or hope

Without warning, or evident cause I fell prey to a gradual decline in activity that rendered me almost completely still.  It's not the first time.  In fact I'm becoming increasingly aware of a pattern.

You might be thinking that this sounds like a good thing.  Some kind of natural rhythmic meditative kind of event. It's not.

I'm also not talking about being tired and needing a rest, or needing to take a little time out from things, or cutting myself some slack.  There's plenty of overachievers in this world who could do with easing up on themselves a little.  I'm not one on them.

Inertia is my nemesis.  It sneaks up on me every single time.  One day I wake up and I don't really want to get out of bed. There's a soul weariness that comes over me.  I don't want to paint, write, read, blog, go out or do anything much of anything at all.  Or in fact, I do want to do all those things but I haven't the slightest bit of energy or inspiration to give to any of it.  And so I find myself, often, just sitting.  Ever so still.  Motionless.  Awake and yet asleep.

It doesn't take long for inertia to become despondency.  I lose hope.  I start to suspect that my dreams are too big for me.  What does it matter anyway?  I'm not a person who goes out there and makes things happen.  I'm a person that's full of ideas but no action.  And nothing is ever going to change that.  Everything seems and feels so difficult, so insurmountable. The gremlins take hold and take over, and it's a downward spiral from there.

It's only recently that I've really come to recognise the beast for what it is, and to learn it's insidious nature.  And in seeing it clearly, I am realising that motion is it's undoing.  

So I walk, and ride, and run.  I walk for my hopes, for my dreams.  I ride for my sanity, for my salvation.  I run for my life, for my creativity, for my soul.  

That's where I've been.  Standing still and getting moving again.


  1. Hope is universal and so so important for moving on,
    I wish for you to get some peace in heart and feel good about it all

  2. Articulating that is such a great sign of motion Cathy. I know what you're talking about and I'm cheering you on from the sidelines. Keep putting one foot in front of the other...

  3. I'm cheering to -and waving ridiculous pom poms...just to give you a smile.

  4. and I am cheering too!! with Jodi and Gina and our poms poms AND I have decorated the street with bunting of all colours and confetti is being thrown from the roof tops... the black dog has been given a huge big juicy steak to keep him occupied for a long looooong time....
    ( sending hugs)

  5. I glad you have found the key to overcoming this. Keep moving my friend, just keep moving. From the comments above it seems you have to keep moving we are throwing you a parade!!! Imagine me as the clown running behind you and honking a crazy horn!!!

  6. I feel like I could have written this myself... exactly how I've been feeling. I'm happy, and things are good, but there is that inertia... still looking for the key, but glad you have found yours :)

  7. Yay for you, getting moving. Inertia is one of my dearest enemies and best friends. It seems like you are learning to embrace the inertia, and how to shake it out, shake it out!!

  8. I'm really glad to hear that you've discovered the key to stopping the inertia taking control. Moving is good!

  9. I thought I'd caught inertia too, but I think I'm suffering from "withdrawal" instead. I'm becoming quite the hermit.

    I'm thinking of you. Hope you are well xoxo

  10. Thank you thank you. You know what for!

    Love seeing your work in progress. I wonder what expressions their faces will show...

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  12. i hear you ... because i feel it myself. is fear part of it as well? i never really know. the only thing i really know is that it's kept me from doing so many things over the years.

    ps your work is stunning ... i just love this one.

    i hear you ... because i feel it myself. is fear part of it as well? i never really know.

  13. I'm smiling at jodie's ridiculous pompoms.

  14. And tomorrow you start a course that will help you feel remotivated and remind you of that wonderful journey you took earlier this year to the US..It's in you Cathy just wating to burst forth. I sooooo understand where your coming from...just do as you have been doing and keep moving forward...a great mantra to start with...Look forward to sharing the ecourse experience with you too :-) Lil x

  15. Thinking of you Cathy and hoping those small steps, keep on moving in the right direction xxx

  16. Beautifully said.
    And beautifully done.
    The lessons are not lost on you, my friend.

  17. Hmmm, near to tears... relief that there are amazing people out there, who are so creative and give so much to others, who sometimes feel the same way that I do.

    I'm pretty sure that we're ok. I wish I could find my way to get moving though, like you have.

    Apparently these things happen to creative souls :)

    Thanks for sharing.

  18. I feel like you have described me here Cathy. So many times I have experienced this kind of hopeless, state of inertia...
    And some days, when I feel like this, I have to force myself moving again - just as you described. And, like Louise wrote above: shake it out! Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't... but getting to understand our own patterns and rythyms is the only way forward.

    I want you to know I am a lifetime member of your cheer-squad Cathy, no matter what. You are one of the most generous, thoughtful, honest and sensitive souls I have come across. Even if you don't feel like it right now, you ARE amazing!


  19. Naming your demon is the first step and it sounds like your on the path to beating the bastard.

    I'm with Jodie and the pom-poms.

  20. And in recognition is the first step to removal. You go girl, have at it!!

  21. I'm blowing a loud horn to go with Jodie's pompoms! xx

  22. Honey, you are moving and shaking you are and you dont realise it, you are putting yourself out there, moving forward, small steps to get to where you want to be. I can understand the inertia, I have it myself often...but its what you do as your next step thats important and you will be taking the right path you know it inside. xxxxx