Where I've Been, Time And Time Again

Transformation

Work in progress

nemesis: an opponent or rival whom a person cannot best or overcome

inertia: inertness, especially with regard to effort, motion, action, and the like; inactivity; sluggishness
 
insidious: intended to entrap or beguile

despondency: depression of spirits from loss of courage or hope

Without warning, or evident cause I fell prey to a gradual decline in activity that rendered me almost completely still.  It's not the first time.  In fact I'm becoming increasingly aware of a pattern.

You might be thinking that this sounds like a good thing.  Some kind of natural rhythmic meditative kind of event. It's not.

I'm also not talking about being tired and needing a rest, or needing to take a little time out from things, or cutting myself some slack.  There's plenty of overachievers in this world who could do with easing up on themselves a little.  I'm not one on them.

Inertia is my nemesis.  It sneaks up on me every single time.  One day I wake up and I don't really want to get out of bed. There's a soul weariness that comes over me.  I don't want to paint, write, read, blog, go out or do anything much of anything at all.  Or in fact, I do want to do all those things but I haven't the slightest bit of energy or inspiration to give to any of it.  And so I find myself, often, just sitting.  Ever so still.  Motionless.  Awake and yet asleep.

It doesn't take long for inertia to become despondency.  I lose hope.  I start to suspect that my dreams are too big for me.  What does it matter anyway?  I'm not a person who goes out there and makes things happen.  I'm a person that's full of ideas but no action.  And nothing is ever going to change that.  Everything seems and feels so difficult, so insurmountable. The gremlins take hold and take over, and it's a downward spiral from there.

It's only recently that I've really come to recognise the beast for what it is, and to learn it's insidious nature.  And in seeing it clearly, I am realising that motion is it's undoing.  

So I walk, and ride, and run.  I walk for my hopes, for my dreams.  I ride for my sanity, for my salvation.  I run for my life, for my creativity, for my soul.  

That's where I've been.  Standing still and getting moving again.